Esquired

I am starting a movie review series which I am calling the No BS Movie Reviews. It's going to be under a hundred words because I believe that if you can't get your message across with the least amount of words then your message is probably filled with a lot of BS. So here goes.

2012

A lot lot better than knowing. I didn't find it scary as most people have though. Very good special effects. A few laughs along the way.  Did I Mention the special effects? Knowing was probably taken from Scientology material but I don't know where 2012 was gotten from.  Maybe the Old Testament, Darwinism or NWO. If you know please let me know.

Worth the paper: yes

See again: yes

See bootleg instead: no

The iphone is probably the most reviewed phone in history. Which begs the question, why am I now writing a review for the Iphone? 1. Its probably just joblessness and 2. Yes I think I am good enough to present an angle many technology specialists have failed to cover especially in recent months with several reviews on supposedly iPhone killers like the palm pre and Motorola’s droid.

I am not an apple fan boy. In fact I despise them. But I also loved my iPod. If you Bing for iPhone and missing features, even Microsoft’s nascent search engine will probably still be able to  give you millions of results of sites telling you about all the features the iPhone doesn't have. Ok maybe I am exaggerating a bit. As a phone the iPhone is crap when you compare its features with other smart phones in its category from manufacturers like Nokia. Knowing this, I still bought an iPhone and what I got didn't even have an ’S’ after the 'G'. 

I didn't want a phone. I wanted an iPod I could make phone calls with. 

So I got an iPhone. The point is, because Car A has more features than Car B doesn't mean I am going to buy Car A even though I think it's ugly. It's like trying to get a girl to tell you why she chose one guy over the other even though you think the other guy would have been better for her. Decisions don't have to be rational for you to accept them. Like me typing this post with the notes app on the iPhone when I have a laptop in front of meJ.

For the lack of better things to do to get my mind off this yoyo state of almost slipping into mild depression, to back to my current state i.e. unemployment, I have decided to put my ramblings into writing. Hopefully they will be understood by normal humans.

1.    Touts:  I don’t even know where to start with this one. I am not talking about your regular motor park tout aka agbero. You will have to go to the motor park a lot for them to get on your nerves. Am talking about the supposedly legit government licensed touts. The MOT, RSESA, Port Harcourt city Local Government Council Revenue Collectors, Obio Akpor Revenue Collectors etc. whether it’s the genuine government licensed groups of touts or the fake ones, I hate them all the same. Ok maybe dislike is a better word to use but hate sounds better in the title.

2.    Agwo aka Nigerian Police: I have more sympathy for armed robbers than I have for this lot. At least armed robbers didn’t take the oath to serve the people then turn around and rob the people they swore to serve.

3.    JTF: I was already beginning to get used to the fact that soldiers belonged in the barracks and seeing a soldier on the streets had started to become a rarity. Well not anymore. I am just thanking God that I have never had the misfortune of being picked up by them. You don’t want to be accused of being a militant.

4.    Refuse Dumps: With all the money RSESA seem to be throwing around buying new cars for its touts to lounge and go clubbing in, it’s no wonder the streets of Port Harcourt are filled with refuse.

5.    Road contractors: How the current bunch of inept labourers who call themselves engineers managed to get contracts to construct roads in Port Harcourt is beyond me. Of course that is a lie. We all know how they got the contracts. Somebody decided he needed to settle some people by giving them jobs they had no qualifications for besides the fact that he owed them favours.

So that is my brief list. If you don’t like it, sueme.

I was going to work in the morning when I received a call from an unknown number. I thought it was an Uncle of mine so I told the caller to call back in five minutes time because I was on the way to the office.

The man called back and said “guess who is calling from London?” The dude sounded like Marvin’s uncle who shuttles between London and Port Harcourt so I told him Dr Dekor.

This is mistake number one.

He told me he needed my help. That a friend of his, Dr Mike Ajayi would be leaving for the UK tomorrow and that he wants him to bring a document back to the UK for him. He gave me Dr Ajayi’s number 07088157127, to call. He told me Dr Ajayi would tell me what to do and that he had given him six hundred and fifty pounds for all my expenses. He went on to tell me I was the only one who could do this for him.

This is bell ringing number one, because Marvin might not be in PH, but his brothers are. Dr Dekor even has an office in PH with staff that he pays. I just thought “Dem never ask me for money yet so wetin dey make me fear. But I hope say dem no fit jazz me trough phone O”. He told me was going to call me later to find out how far I had gone.

So I call Mr Ajayi and tell him Dr Dekor gave me his number. He said he knew Dr Dekor but couldn’t even pronounce the name properly. I mean what is hard to pronounce in DEKOR.

This point is bell ringing number two.

He says the number I was using to call him was not the number Dr Dekor gave him. I told him I have a dual sim phone. He wasn’t satisfied and asked me to call out the number Dr Dekor gave to him. I call out my Zain number for him. He was probably doing this to give himself some credibility but he shouldn’t have because this gave me the idea that finally killed it for them.

He told me he was in some village somewhere and that he would be in PH in the evening. He wanted me to call a friend of his that works for an organization that can arrange for an International Immigrant Permit for Dr Dekor. I am thinking, what the hell is an International Immigrant Permit and how come I have never heard of it? So he tells me to call Elder E. O. Babalola with telephone number 08029822146. He said the Elder might not remember him so I should tell him the son of Chief Mrs Florence Ajayi sent me to him. Apparently the Elder used to work for Chief Mrs Ajayi. He tells me the cost of the permit is in the region of fifty thousand naira and since he won’t be in PH until later today, I should pay Elder Babalola anything he asks for. He was going to give me the six hundred and fifty pounds and a Nokia N series phone when he gets to PH.

Ok this is bell ringing number three. He finally asks me for my money. This was just what I had been waiting to hear. I just hung up on him.

I immediately tried calling Dr Dekor’s numbers on my phone. I could not get him on any of the phone numbers. Of course MTN was acting up but how come I could call them, but I could not get Dr Dekor. I called my friend Marvin and he said he didn’t know where his uncle was. Dr Ajayi called back and I told him I ran out of credit. He said I should better go and buy credit and call the Elder.  I tell him I will do just that before he hangs up on me.

The fake Dr Dekor finally called back to ask me how far I had gone. I told him everything I had done so far. He told me to do everything possible to get the document for him and that I could use the six hundred and fifty pounds for anything I needed to do. I was already beginning to fume. I told him I needed some information from him. He tells me I can ask for anything so I told him to give me his MTN numbers. He pretends not to hear me and tells me to repeat my self which I did. He asks me what for. I just told him I needed it. He just sighed and hung up.

Now I was sure some idiots just wanted to flex the weekend on my sweat. I went through everything in my head and realised where I made the mistake. I should not have guessed who was calling. In fact the next person that calls me and tells me to guess who is calling will probably regret calling me that day.

I wanted to know how the format usually plays out so I called Elder Babalola. He told me he didn’t know any Dr Ajayi but that he knew a Chief Mrs Ajayi. I told him Dr Ajayi is the son of Chief Ajayi. He said ok and that if not for Chief Ajayi he would not be helping me. He said he had only one permit left and that it would cost me seventy two thousand naira. I told him to give me the account number to pay the money into but he refused. He tells me to go to any UBA branch first then call him. He would give me the account number as soon as I get to the bank. He also said I had only one hour, after which he would give the form to someone else. This was after he had told me their account was with Zenith but that Zenith was having network issues.

By now I was tired and just did not have the credit to waste any longer.

This format is actually not a very bad one. God just saved me, if not? So for the good guys and gals, beware. For those who are not into being good, you can always copy the format.

There is an Eze in all of us
All of us that want to continue living
Because the day we lose the will to learn
We lose the will to live

What if I could actually write

And this poor attempt at poetry was read by you

Would it become poetry

What if I was born with the proverbial silver spoon

And my worries today were of a different kind

Would I be happier

What if we remained children

When our only fear was facing your teacher on Monday morning

Knowing the cat ate your home work last night

What if I stopped asking “what if?” about the past

Will my progress tomorrow be hindered by my ignorance of the past

When Hope loses its meaning and is just a four letter word

When plans look like dreams and dreams the thoughts of a five year old

When believing becomes a struggle and prayers the ramblings of a loser

Pray, believe, dream, plan and hope